The saga of one man's quest to achieve Microsoft Certification and live to tell about it...but he failed, so now you can read about his regular life instead
 
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McDBAs of Our Lives
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Saturday, November 15, 2003  
My new toy. Elephants not included. :) 15:29
Thursday, September 25, 2003  
OK, I guess I can post something new finally.

Check out the new SQL Team blogs! All kinds of good things there, just don't read my blog.

And elsewhere in the world: TVMax, oooops, sorry, DIPSHIT FUCKING CABLE CO. orally sodomizes four-legged antler-bearing tundra dwellers! Yeah, I know: water is wet, the sky is blue, death and taxes. Stoooooooooooooopid cable went out twice this past week! And I have to call THEM back to tell them it's fixed! I guess their service techs are too dumb to realize when they've actually fixed something.

And in spite of all this, I would gladly pay to drown myself in Keira Knightley's old bathwater, for no shorter route to heaven exists. 21:04

Saturday, August 09, 2003  
Just to reiterate my reasons for why you should go see Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl:

Keira Knightley, the most gorgeous creature ever
Drink to me only with thine eyes,
And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss but in the cup
And I'll not look for wine.
The thirst that from the soul doth rise
Doth ask a drink divine;
But might I of Jove's nectar sup,
I would not change for thine.

I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
Not so much honoring thee
As giving it a hope that there
It could not withered be;
But thou thereon didst only breathe,
And sent'st it back to me;
Since when it grows, and smells, I swear,
Not of itself but thee!

-Ben Jonson, To Celia

As you might guess, I will be profoundly saddened to post more blogs that might move this image off the page. Drink deep therefore, o loyal readers of McDBAs of Our Lives! (both of you) This may be the last post I ever make! :) 16:20

Friday, August 08, 2003  
Well, I'm testing this software called W.Bloggar to post blogs. It works pretty nicely! 19:09
Saturday, July 26, 2003  
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. GO. SEE. IT. 14:14
Monday, July 14, 2003  
Dipshit Fucking Cable Co., aka TVMax, strikes again! So we have a minor thunderstorm (OK, actually there was a guy with a big wooden boat herding animals in the parking lot) and the power goes out for 10 seconds and comes back on. So the HBO channels I'm shelling out $12 a month for AREN'T THERE! Even funnier, all three of them are playing an infomercial for...drum roll...

DISH NETWORK!!!! :)

Let me ask you: if your company is so fucking stoooooooooopid to have equipment that blows up during a minor storm, ya think it makes sense to drop your regular channels and supply advertisements for your competitors????

Have I mentioned before that everyone in this apartment complex who has a southern exposure has Dish Network???? What a fucking surprise I'm sure.... 18:26
Sunday, June 15, 2003  
GOT A NEW CPU AND MOBO!!! After I went to DipshitPC, er, I mean PCRapids.com, AKA PCWe'llFuckYourAssWithExtraHiddenCharges.com and ordered some stuff and they just decided to charge me for it AFTER I posted the payment, but not before, and then I tried to get back to them and then finally someone called me and I called them back and said "CANCEL THE MOTHERFUCKER", I was livid, then I went to one of the stores around the corner and got an Asus mobo and an Athlon XP 2500 CPU and 512MB of RAM. Probably coulda done cheaper online, but I'm not sure I'll ever shop online again after the PCRunningDownTheRapidsAndGettingSmashedOnTheRocks.com fiasco.

STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPID motherfuckers. 16:40
Saturday, June 07, 2003  
Got the big screen TV! WOO HOO! 65 inches of Mitsubishi splendor. Lawrence of Arabia was UN. FUCKING. BELIEVEABLE. Barry Lyndon was UN. FUCKING. BELIEVEABLE. The Matrix was just OK, I don't have the special edition, and the picture wasn't all that great. Still, Carrie-Ann Moss is MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM at any size, just more MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM on a big screen.

I also finally got my MVP stuff from Microsoft! After 5-6 times insisting that yes, I do live in my new apartment and yes, they did send the original package to the right address. I guess it's perfectly safe and reasonable to leave packages on the doorstep in Redmond, no one would EVER take it. 09:55
Sunday, May 11, 2003  
Yep, I'm still here. :) Got most of the shit unpacked, had some tornado warnings, and a small scorpion sneaking into the apartment. You know, the usual crap when moving to a new place. :) 18:06
Sunday, April 27, 2003  
I'M FINALLY MOVED IN!!!! WOO HOO!

I am EXTREMELY tired, and haven't made a dent in unpacking, and spent 4 hours cleaning up and vacuuming the old place AFTER spending the entire day moving. Feet hurt, legs hurt, head hurts, but I LOVE the new place. :) 12:10
Saturday, April 19, 2003  
Just watched The Mothman Propecies on HBO. FREAKY movie. Now I have a headache this big, I took two Excedrin, and I still have it. Good movie, but B. Zarre.

And I just realized that I have Barry Lyndon on DVD from Netflix, and I'm about to buy a big honkin' 65" wide screen HDTV ready television, and I was gonna RETURN Barry Lyndon before watching it on the big screen. If you haven't seen Barry Lyndon, BUY A BIG FUCKING SCREEN TV AND WATCH IT. Probably the best cinematography since Lawrence of Arabia. 19:30
Friday, April 18, 2003  
So all of the reading material is in THE NEW APARTMENT!!!! Now the only thing I can read all week are the instructions and ingredients on a Rice-a-Roni box.

I also ordered Direct TV satellite service! WOO HOO! Let's see: it's about the same price as cable, has more channels than cable, can be installed sooner than cable, and Direct TV actually answers their phone, unlike cable. Is this yet another example of the quintessential no-brainer? 18:53
Saturday, April 12, 2003  
I'm starting to remember why I loved to work weekends at Nextel: NO FUCKING PEOPLE BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK TO GET SHIT DONE IN 2 MINUTES AND MAKING YOU FUCK IT UP WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS!

Yes, I've had some non-weekend days like that recently, and today was a good weekend day that cured me of their side effects. :D

OHHHHHHHH YES, I forgot, I also GOT THE KEYS TO THE NEW APARTMENT! It. Is. SOOOOOO. Nice. 20:41
Thursday, April 10, 2003  
After a long, tiring, insane day at work, Julie Delpy looks even more ravishing and desirable. 19:41
Wednesday, April 09, 2003  
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Brazilian food. 20:06
Monday, April 07, 2003  
Fuck lava lamps and those electric lightning balls, I want THIS! 18:53
Friday, April 04, 2003  
Yep, you know it was a good day at work when you come home and slam back 3 beers in under an hour. Thank god I didn't GO OUT drinking. :) 18:49
Tuesday, April 01, 2003  
WOOOOOO HOOOOO! I WON THE LOTTERY TODAY!!!

April Fool's! :P 18:23

Sunday, March 30, 2003  
OK, I just watched the movie Before Sunrise, which features the absolutely exquisite loveliness of Julie Delpy, who is singularly, utterly, luminously, intoxicatingly, enchantingly somewhat fucking resplendent.

And the movie was pretty damn good too! :) 18:37

Thursday, March 27, 2003  
Man, work is BUSY!!!! But good. I have been approved for whatever amount of hours I feel like working! :) Same rate though. :( 19:28
Sunday, March 23, 2003  
As you can see, for some reason my career in journalism never took off. :) 14:55
Thursday, March 20, 2003  
WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

Got an email from someone at Microsoft that I'm being considered for their MVP Award! Maybe Bill Gates isn't such a bad guy after all! 21:43
Wednesday, March 19, 2003  
Yeah, I know, U.S. attacks Iraq and I STILL don't have anything to blog about. :) Oh well. 19:36
Tuesday, March 18, 2003  
Second night in a row with nothing to say. Keeping the streak alive! :) 18:31
Monday, March 17, 2003  
Just thought I'd drop in and say nothing tonight. 18:26
Friday, March 14, 2003  
OK, I can survive not being in a threesome with Nicole Kidman and Diane Lane. I'll be perfectly happy to make do with Nicole Kidman! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Now a new wallpaper coming to a computer near me! 18:35
Thursday, March 13, 2003  
OK, here's a threesome I'd love to be in! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Nicole and Diane!!!! :P:P:P:P Actually, all of the babes nominated for Best Actress would suit me juuuuuuuust fine! 18:11
Wednesday, March 12, 2003  
TNN is getting better! You don't have to wait 2 weeks to see the same bad episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation again! Now you only have to wait 2 DAYS!!!! 18:47
Tuesday, March 11, 2003  
Yep, I'm taking a whole 25 minutes to make the REAL jambalaya, instead of nuking a bowl of it. Chicken AND sausage.

Hopefully The Onion won't break the link to this story for a while. It describes me to a T. :)

And on that note, I didn't feel that having subscriptions to Playboy, Maxim, and FHM were enough, I also subscribed to Stuff today! WOO HOO! And it's only 75¢ an issue! 18:15
Monday, March 10, 2003  
More goodness about Diane Lane. Not much else to talk about. :) 19:05
Saturday, March 08, 2003  
For the one other person out there with absolutely NOTHING better to do than read my blog, if you're wondering why I didn't add anything yesterday or today until now, it's because we went out with some (former) co-workers and bar hopped and drank and drank and drank. That's about all I remember. I woke up feeling like I had a brain transplant without anesthesia, and also without getting the replacement brain (which would really just go to waste in my skull anyway) 20:07
Thursday, March 06, 2003  
http://www.odysseytec.com/Gallery/friedman2.html

I read/heard someone call the MAGIC/PURPLE decoding project the equivalent of "building a human being using only their letters/correspondence as a guide." This sounds very much like the database conversion I'm doing. :)

If you really want a good laugh, head on over to http://www.aptratings.com/ and see how your favorite apartments rate! I checked out a few of the places I looked at, and man, there is NO WAY in hell I'm moving into Highpointe Village! 18:00
Wednesday, March 05, 2003  
And the great thing about TNN is, if you like watching really bad episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, they will gladly show you the same really bad episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation two weeks later! See the Feb. 23 blog for more info on this really bad episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

One thing they do that I HATE, is that they trim certain scenes a little, I guess to get an extra 15 seconds of commercials in here and there. Mostly it's not noticeable, and even welcome if it's a really bad episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but sometimes they cut really cool scenes or funny lines, and I miss them. Dunno if you guys are reading this at TNN, but if you are: STOP DOING THAT!!! I'm not trying to claim that the show is Shakespeare, (indeed, there are some really bad episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation) but you're not gonna make a hella lot more advertising $$$ on this show guys. It's syndicated and has been off the air for almost 9 years. The last movie flopped BADLY, a-huge-turd-of-zero-business badly. At least let the fans console themselves with those extra 15 seconds of good dialog they didn't get in the movie, or in the really bad episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation you keep showing every two weeks. 18:59
Tuesday, March 04, 2003  
Some days, there's just nothing on the Internet. This blog pretty much proves that :) 16:36
Monday, March 03, 2003  
Yeah, I know, I'm writing really boring shit in my blog. But we all knew that the head of steam I originally had was gonna run out sooner or....sooner. Work is about the same, I almost fully automated my invoicing :) so I don't even have to actually do any work to create it anymore. I'm hoping I get to the point where I just come in on Monday, open Outlook, and it prints the invoice automatically. And at some point I think I can get it to make an invoice without me actually having to go to work. :) Then the next step would be to create an invoice without having to DO any work... 17:31
Saturday, March 01, 2003  
Unemployment is great for your car! In the first 1 year and about 3 months, I put 15,000 miles on my new Miata. Compared to the first year I had the original Miata, I put 31,000 miles on it. :) And those 15,000 miles include 3 round trips to NY and one to NH! 1800 and 2500 miles, respectively. And when I move to Norcross, I'll be lucky to put 50 miles on it in a MONTH.

Saw 5 apartments today, the one I originally wanted to see was actually 2nd/3rd best, there are two other REALLY close to work, but between the non-refundable fees and slightly higher rents, I may not go for them. Might do some more browsing around, but I think I'll just live close and pay a little extra. Being a mile from work is worth it! 18:25
Friday, February 28, 2003  
This is how much I love having a job: I stayed 2 hours unbilled overtime, and I'm an hourly employee, just to hang out and chat with people working there! OK, one person. And I surfed the web a little, but I was actually doing LEGITIMATE RESEARCH! I'm not kidding! Stop staring at me like that! 19:15
Thursday, February 27, 2003  
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Stir Fry! I finally got to use the wok I got as a gift from mom years ago. Veggies, chicken, and some Pasta Roni angel hair parmesan something or other, ate almost two helpings and there's STILL some left over, gonna make a nice meal tomorrow, maybe bring it with me for lunch! :)

Source Control RULES! And I haven't even really started using it yet, and I'm already trying to automate it. 18:47
Wednesday, February 26, 2003  
OK, Majel Barrett/Roddenberry can't act. I mean, she's so bad in that episode you can see the other actors practically cringing. It's a shame, she was actually pretty good in some other scenes, but she can't do anything where she has to cry. It's horrendous. Shatner is Olivier or Geilgud by comparison. She's probably crying at her complete lack of ability to do crying scenes. 17:56
 
Here's me in glass-half-full mode, remember it, it may not come again for a while :) Since I've been out of work for so long, I lost a lot of my bad habits and attitude about things, for instance: SOURCE CONTROL. I never would've used it at Nextel, and today I played with it for 5 minutes and fell totally in love! I may actually become a professional coder now!

Turned in my notice to vacate to the leasing company :) And found out that they've lowered their rents on the apartments here :( So now the $200 a month bargain I thought the new place was is really the normal market value :( Oh well, maybe in another year and a half it'll go down even MORE. 17:44
Tuesday, February 25, 2003  
I had a headache THIS BIG, but I took 2 bottles of Excedrin, and it's gone! :)

FINALLY FOUND the lease, on top of papers I must've picked up and looked through 10 FUCKING TIMES without opening the envelope they were actually in! And it does end on April 30, so I'm within my 60 days! WOO HOO! Don't need the extra month!

Nor-cross Geor-gia here I come! 18:12
Monday, February 24, 2003  
So they had a board meeting today and the CEO had sent out an email on Friday that all the guys had to wear a tie. Well, they didn't have me on the "Everyone" email list so I didn't get that email. Luckily I happened to wear a dress shirt and slacks today, more or less because I had no other clean laundry. :) Of course, everyone was asking "Didn't you get the email?" Sooooooooo close to Office Space.

Glad to see that my instincts are still sharp: after a whopping 3 days of actually WORKING on the assignment I'm supposed to be working on, I found that it will almost certainly transfer over very smoothly, without much more work than I first thought, and maybe even LESS. If all goes well the whole thing could be done in 2 weeks, even though it will actually be done in a staged rollout. :) WOO HOO! 17:56
Sunday, February 23, 2003  
Forgot how bad some of the first season episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation were. Although I do miss Denise Crosby. mmmmmmmm 13:09
 
More proof that advertising is hypocritical, AND that I really need to find better things to do with my time:

I'm cooking some noodles and the package says to "use butter or margarine, but we recommend "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!""

OK, so now they want me to use a product that is DELIBERATELY LYING to me, and being completely up-front about lying to me. Then they want me to believe, "Don't worry, we're lying to you, but we're so good at it we'll convince you otherwise". Mmmmmmkay. Sorry guys, but if it was really that good, and you yourselves were convinced it was, you'd have picked a title like "I Vehemently REFUSE To Believe This Is Not Butter!" or, more colloquially, "This Shit IS BUTTER, Goddammit!"

BTW, I used real butter. :) 12:48
 
I love how the ads that appear on this blog page are for DBA services, and none of them are for MY services. :) Gotta talk to the guys posting the ads about getting kickbacks. Although, that's assuming they actually WANT the customers they get from reading this blog, which is highly doubtful. Also assumes anyone but me actually reads this thing, which is highly doubtful too.

OK, time for the wayback machine: if you remember Patty Smyth from the group Scandal in the 80's, and she went solo in the early 90's, she was something of a hottie. Well, she married John McEnroe for some stoooooopid reason and is, unfortunately, taking that old saying that married couples start to look like each other a little too seriously, which is really a shame. You'd think McEnroe would've picked up SOME of her looks, but I guess he dropped them before putting them on or just didn't bother.

I guess Tatum O'Neal lucked out by getting divorced from him before it was too late, although he did have some influence on her looks.

Makes ya wonder if McEnroe was ever married to Medusa. Sure would explain a lot about BOTH of them. 10:22
Friday, February 21, 2003  
Sort of weird vibes at work today, nothing really upsetting, just odd. Like someone saying "You need to get your car fixed!" and then not allowing you to bring it into the shop, nor allowing the mechanic to come out and fix it...???? Maybe if I was better at lateral thinking I could figure out a way to do it under those circumstances.

STILL no signed copy of the contract. Even better, I only actually started working on the stuff in the contract yesterday, even though I've been there for 2 weeks. :) 18:12
Thursday, February 20, 2003  
YES!!!!! Signed the contract today!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! Although I don't know if THEY signed it yet, and I haven't gotten my copy either, but still, that's the last step.

OK, here's a question: you buy a frozen jambalaya rice bowl at the market, and the instructions are: 6 minutes microwave, 50 minutes in the oven. Hmmmmm, which one, which one? Oven? Microwave? Does this strike anyone else as the quintessential no-brainer?

Now, it actually gets more interesting: if you buy the jambalaya mix that the SAME COMPANY makes, add your own sausage or whatever and cook it on the stove top, it takes 20 minutes vs. 30 minutes in the microwave! ????? WTF? And the portion is twice the size, yet takes half as long as the oven! And you can't tell me that's because it's frozen, because it takes 5 times as long to make it in the microwave. I'm sure there's a logical explanation for it, but I don't want to hear it.

I hate encrypted SQL, BTW. Stooooooooooooooopid billing app vendors. Half the time they encrypt code that I wouldn't steal even if you gave it to me for free. 16:50
Wednesday, February 19, 2003  
I FILLED OUT THE CONTRACT TODAY! Except for the required signatures. :( Maybe tomorrow....

Oh yeah, yesterday was the six year anniversary of my very first day at Nextel. And it's been about 1 year and 1 month since I was paroled from same. YAY! 16:43
Tuesday, February 18, 2003  
Man, it's hard to work when you didn't get enough sleep and your brain is completely non-functional, AND you're trying to write SQL code. I don't recommend it. Get a good night's sleep before you write SQL!

Actually saw a CONTRACT today...only it was blank. I could've signed it I guess, but then I would've had to ____________________________ for the Company while they __________________________ me and required that I _______________________________ at periodic intervals, and I didn't feel like having to do __________________________. So we'll wait until _________________________ gets sorted out and then I'll sign it. 19:23
Monday, February 17, 2003  
It's nice to catch up with old friends :) Met Ava and Len today (Ava is a fellow Nextel parolee like myself, Len is her hubby) they were visiting her mom and sister. We went to Hooters for dinner. :) Len and I had a GREAT time, and Ava did too but she won't admit it. She could work there if she wanted to...oooops, did I say that out loud? Also spoke to Donna this past weekend (Donna is my best friend Mike's girlfriend) And as cool as that is, I need to go to bed because now that I am working I seem to be staying up later and later and sleeping less and less. 22:51
Sunday, February 16, 2003  
Diane Lane is a very damn fine looking woman! If you haven't seen Unfaithful yet, you're in for a treat. Not only is she gorgeous and sexy, she's a great actress too. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! 19:55
 
Well, I didn't get fired in my first week at work, and I feel confident enough about it that I shut off my email notifications from Dice.com and Monster.com! Now I no longer get emails about all of the available jobs that I apply for but don't get a response! Nor do I feel guilty about not applying for a job I could get but really don't want to apply for cause it sounds like a loser! Ahhhhh, the simple pleasures in life. 13:26
Friday, February 14, 2003  
Scary things happening at work. Not only am I beginning to understand the database and can therefore actually contribute something useful to the company, I'm even beginning to use Microsoft Outlook to manage my time!!!!! First diagrams in Powerpoint and now useful task scheduling and invoicing in Outlook! MS is truly an evil corporation! They're beginning to make me like their most hated products! ARRRRRRRRGH! I even dipped my toes into playing around with MS PROJECT!!!!! I can feel it...soon I will be using Interdev, and then...and then....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...I might actually start to use FrontPage....NOOOOOOOOOOOO! 18:56
 
A man's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's an erection for? 04:37
Thursday, February 13, 2003  
Hehehehehehehehe, I didn't have anything to blog about for a year, and now that I do it is the most boring mundane shit anyone could possibly write about! :) If you've got any paint drying in your house, pull up a chair and watch it, you'll enjoy it more than this blog.

Wonky VB code doing things a database should be doing instead, writing SQL code to do such things and realizing that *maybe* it should be done in VB :) and working on migrating an entirely different database to a new structure without having looked at either one was what kept me busy today. And will probably continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

Still didn't sign the contract yet. :) Everyone who has to sign it, besides me, was out of the office or swamped with work. Ahhhhhhh, there are some things that are exactly the same in every corporation. 19:13
Wednesday, February 12, 2003  
February 12, 2003

Day 2 of being employed again! WOO HOO! Actually did some real work today, only on something that will probably never be used by anyone else on the planet because they know better: getting Powerpoint to generate database diagrams. For anyone reading this who doesn't know, trust me, this is the DBA equivalent of getting kicked in the balls. Repeatedly. With a steel toe boot.

Also experienced Day 2 of eating Asian food for lunch. Yesterday was sushi/sashimi, today was Vietnamese soup. Pretty damn good, both of them! Of course, I slobbered all over some nice American burgers and chili cheese fries from Checkers for dinner. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. My heart is about totally clogged right now, but I may not have to eat for the rest of the week. 18:05
Tuesday, February 11, 2003  
February 11, 2003

An entire year has gone by since I last blogged. Whoopee. I'm SOOOOO lazy. But more important than that:

I NOW HAVE A JOB!!!

And I didn't even need a certificate to get it! Which is good, because all I did today was cut and tape together a database diagram. I'm surprised Microsoft hasn't insisted that you need a cert to do even THAT. Yes, they let me have scissors and tape! Who knows what evils could've been committed! (And let me tell you, Frankenstein's monster is a damn sight better looking than this diagram) Alas, I behaved myself. A year plus of unemployment and the suprising lack of money it brings has made me cherish a job. How many people can say that they've ever CHERISHED their job? Porn stars and Penthouse photographers don't count.

It's nice to be working again! And no, I don't miss being a welfare leech on society. It surprises normal people to hear that someone DOESN'T enjoy sitting on their ass and getting paid to do it. Trust me, the money's not that great, and your ass only gets fatter and harder to fit through doors and into bathtubs. And I've got GARDEN SIZE tubs...

I'm not too sure I'm even gonna miss surfing for porn for half the morning either. I spent 2 days transferring 5 CD's worth a few weeks ago...AND THAT'S LESS THAN HALF OF WHAT I HAVE ALREADY! My apologies to all the horny nympho teen lesbians who want to fuck me via webcam...I just don't have the "drive capacity" to accommodate you anymore. :( Besides I never paid for web porn, so you're only losing someone who was stealing from you anyway! :P

Nor will I miss browsing the news: New Evidence that the Shuttle Disintegrated, Saddam's Not Cooperating, Shuttle Photo Reveals it Disintegrated, Saddam's Flipping the Bird at UN, Last Shuttle Transmission Reveals Saddam is Not Complying with Inspectors So He Winged a Bullet at the Shuttle.....not much variety going on there. It's pretty scary when announcing the Oscar nominations is not only the best news around, it's the only news anyone is actually looking forward to.

OK, I gotta stop complaining! I HAVE A JOB!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! :) I almost don't want to buy a lottery ticket, cause if I win I'll just quit and go back to sitting on my ass all day. No more! 20:30